Ambition & talent -- two of my favorite words in the English dictionary
They often go hand in hand, but at times talent can become disillusioned by the siren calls that ambition offers
The enticement of fulfilling your dreams, of being “happy” & satisfied by the proper utilisation of your talent. Wherein you pour every last drop out, squeeze yourself dry, and savour the pain
What is Ambition?
I look at ambition like a gift from the devil. It’s a path to self-actualisation, pure bliss, though to reach it, you must walk through scorching fire
Ambition is not just the desire to succeed
It is the inability to forget the person you believe you could have become. To realize the potential you know you have
No matter how successful you are, ambition will keep you captive forever
It may offer temporary comfort by making you think it has been flushed out of your system, but the truth is, that this bug burrows deep into your brain
Active Ambition vs Dormant Ambition
In the active state, this bug makes you chase your goals & revolve your life around them. This state is pretty easy to detect
On the other hand, in the dormant state, the victim does not know that it is still prey. It kills you from within when you notice a colleague, a friend, or a peer doing what you gave up on
For people who chose to "settle down," this may seem very relatable. This is the reason for the resentment you feel toward the reasons or the people who made you “settle down,” who kept you from realizing your potential
Dormant ambition never disappears even when abandoned, it just displays itself through various avatars: envy, resentment, self-destruction
A classic example of this is in the case of the show Breaking Bad
Walter, meth & bugs
In the show Breaking Bad, a prodigy scientist who was on the verge of creating a breakthrough company is forced to quit & resign himself to a mediocre life as a high school chemistry teacher. A job for which he is disgustingly overqualified
Ambition at the forefront (Active)
Before he chose to give up on his dreams, Walter was working on his company, Gray Matter, wherein, he was focused on commercialising his scientific discoveries
As he mentions, he was having the time of his life
But one thing led to another, & he was forced to step away & settle down with his then soon-to-be wife, Skyler. He sold his shares in the company and utilized that money to pay down the deposit for a house
He chose to give up on his dreams & settle down
If ambition wasn't such a bitch, that would've been the end of the story
Ambition on the backfoot (Dormant)
Though he chose to settle down, he still wasn't happy with his life
He used to keep close tabs on the company & monitor the progress from afar
Moroever, he grew extremely resentful of his life, of his family & the decision he took to step away. He knew he was talented & he knew he was wasting away that talent -- he despised himself for it
This led to the following feelings:
- Heightened Insecurity & Feeling of Emasculation
- Resentment & Guilt
- Latent need for recognition — the funny thing about talent is that once it tastes fame, it can’t go back. Talent demands an audience, when deprived of, it can do unpredictable things
Walter already knew he was extremely talented, but the state he was in, he did not get any recognition for his talent from his family, friends, peer or even his students
This actually put Walter in a very vulnerable state and was later on the catalyst for why Walter continued the line of business which he chose, despite having all the money in the world to quit
Powdered Love
When Walter started cooking meth, his chemistry skills started getting the attention he craved, the kind he once got but had not tasted in a very long time
He was hailed as the best meth cook in the world -- more than money, this was the feeling that actually drove him
This put his ambition in the active state; in overdrive
The sirens' calls were way too overpowering for him & he submitted himself, he wanted to get lost in the trance, to feel the sweet love of being able to utilize your potential
“I did it for me. I liked it.”
Even in the face of life & death, he chose death
Misunderstanding
Quite often Walter’s behavior in the show is chalked up to pride, ego, resentment, and a desire for dominance
I differ here
I believe that Walter continued because he did want to give up on his talent; his potential, like he did before with Gray Matter, that everything else that followed was just a broken, tortured genius protecting his passion, his love, his talent
If he were merely motivated by money, he would have stopped after earning enough, but he did not
He chased the feeling of being the “best in the world” & getting recognition for it -- ambition claimed another victim
To live or not
From my perspective, it's worse than a death sentence for someone who has tasted ambition to go back to a life where they are not using their potential
Modern culture romanticises certain words: ambition, obsession, power, drive
Though I believe that a person who has truly experienced obsession & ambition knows what a double-edged sword it is
Your relationships with people are not the same. Hell, your relationship with yourself is not the same
Is Ambition a curse?
I often meet people who seem to be “normal”; not ambitious, power hungry, obsessed, willing to do “whatever it takes”, and I often wonder, am I defective?
This deep desire I have within me to prove to myself that I am not mediocre, that I can realize my potential, is it a…character flaw?
What I’ve experienced is that being ambitious ≠ being happy
A part of me envies the uninfected
Pain is love, love is pain
Nietzsche mentions, "To live is to suffer, and to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.”
Maybe the cost of unlocking your potential is worth the pain?
it's for sure better than living a life of regrets
Honestly though, I feel bad when I find talented people who choose to live a mediocre life
To abstain from discovering yourself is the greatest sin of all
I feel pity for them