A relationship between a mother and her son is so intricate; there is no relationship like that
The mother wants the best for her child, does all to provide him, gets hurt by her child, and yet continues to love him
But the child, hurt due to XYZ things, has a different perspective on things outright
Miscommunication often fucks things up massively
I had a huge fight with my mother today. I know she means well for me, but I just cannot. I cried after a long time
We've not had the best relationship. I've always felt like she has put the noose around my neck, and the mechanism was always money
Now over the past few years I’ve been earning, so that's not there anymore, but it still feels that she tries to use money as a way to demean me
I have categorically never asked her for money, ever. Very rarely, even if I'm about to die, I think that would be the last resort, like me asking her for money
To be very honest, she's a single parent, and she's provided the best lifestyle that she could for me but i don't know. I always felt like she has shown me down whenever I've tried to ask her for money so it's right I never tried to ask for money
I know she doesn't mean to put me down. I know that she has the best intentions in her mind. Still, I don't like asking her for anything because I always feel like I’m begging
I deprived myself of the most basic experiences ever just because I didn't know how to ask for money and I had a deficit mindset that I didn't want to spend my own money either. The first time I had a basic experience like eating Sushi was 3 months back
Something that would be so normal in my friend group became a new "experience" for me, so late in life
I bought my first iPhone with my money, my MacBook, my everything with my money. I never dared to ask her for anything remotely luxurious. Anything I didn't "need”
I never went out because I didn’t want to spend money. I never went clubbing, to cafes, or whatever
I always felt so small when I asked her for money, always scared she'll use that fact in an argument / fight we'll have, and mention it against me
In fights, she often used to tell me to leave her house and go stay somewhere else
At one point in time i was so scared that she'll actually kick me out that I started compiling a list of people who i can ask for favors from, like all of my friends whom i can stay with for some time at least because i didn't want to be homeless
I know she's made a lot of sacrifices for me, of course
I know she means the best for me. She apparently left her medical practice because she wanted to teach in this college, which ensured that if time ever comes, she could have a place to live if my father kicks her out or if they get divorced or whatever
I can't fucking deal with these emotions. It's too much for me